Reality Conditions

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Essentials of Languages

I had found this page long ago, but forgot about it until seeing it linked in The Valve now. It is a collection of funny Essentialist Explanations about languages. Some of my favourites:

English is essentially Anglo-Saxon with all the cool bits taken out.

English is essentially Pictish that was attacked out of nowhere by Angles cohabiting with Teutons who were done in by a drunk bunch of Vikings masquerading as Frenchmen who insisted they spoke Latin and Greek but lacked the Arabic in which to convey that.

Inglish iz issenshali a langwidje dhat, wen rittun fonetkli, iz ilejibul tu netiv spikerz.

Spanish is essentially Italian spoken by Arabs.

Argentinean is essentially Italian spoken so that other South Americans can catch on.

Classical Latin is essentially an artificial language devised to make the vulgar Roman aristocracy sound intelligent.

Franche est essentialement englaishe ouithe les endinges funnies et lottes de vowelles et les adjectifs en alle les places ronges.

Brazilian is essentially Spanish spoken by Portuguese hot babes with rhythm.

Brazilian is essentially a conlang created by people who wanted to have sex all the time, but still be able to talk about everyday things.

Orkish is essentially Klingon as spoken by Orcs.


  • :-)

    Look at this (can't remember where it came from)

    European Union's Official Language

    New EC Regulations
    The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

    By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


    By Blogger Bee, at 3:48 PM, July 18, 2006  

  • Ahahahahaha... There is a similar one about Spanish that I have recieved many times by email:

    which you might enjoy if you understand Spanish. There is an inspired bit at the end, after all the horrible ortographical changes have been made, about never resigning to external pressure to erase from the language the letter "ñ", proud symbol of the Hispanic Tradition...

    By Blogger Alejandro, at 4:29 PM, July 18, 2006  

  • sorry, I don't speak Spanish... always wanted to learn it, never had the time though. Would have been handy in AZ. Best, B.

    By Blogger Bee, at 4:08 AM, July 19, 2006  

  • indeed... it's been so delightful, as a spanish speaker, to learn brazilian portuguese...

    By Anonymous alejo, at 12:08 AM, August 02, 2006  

  • Dear Sir,
    I have now solved the pioneer anomaly and also other 5 cosmological blunders of the last 85 years, see the summary page 8, new Newton law page 1,
    Joseph Nduriri ++33(0)6-31-13-61-55

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:40 PM, August 14, 2006  

  • By using the light dynamics, the radiation pressure for any reflective surface can be derived. By using the same approach the light rocket engine thrust equation can be derived.
    See light dynamics.PDF

    By Blogger nduriri, at 7:51 PM, September 23, 2006  

  • I have now defined the gravitational radiation of masse particles. see new Newton law page 5.

    By Blogger nduriri, at 10:52 PM, November 10, 2006  

  • Since the gravitomagnetic force component Fg is not radial, it exerts a moment of force on the two-body system. This moment of force is negative during half cycle A and positive during half cycle B. This moment of force induces a negative rate of change of momentum known as torque during half cycle A and positive one during half cycle B. Thus an alternating torque, hence an alternating rate of change of angular momentum of the two-body system. There is no conservation of angular momentum as stated by the Newton law. The positive moment of force is always greater than the negative one. This explains the mercury perihelion advance. For more details see gravitational waves radiation

    By Blogger nduriri, at 8:14 AM, December 01, 2006  

  • By using relativity, gravity waves have quantitatively been determined during the solar eclipse. The gravity waves are induce at a supersonic speed (1000m/s), they induce gravitomotive force g.m.f. in gases and liquids, thereby creating masse currents which is converted into sound waves; they also induce electromotive force e.m.f. in electric conductors, plasma, ionosphere and metals thereby creating electric currents.
    Since the quasi stationary orthodox gravity shield theories do not offer a global and coherent explanation concerning gravity perturbations, can there be a physical science work of more importance than obtaining an understanding of these perturbations and seeking interaction with the remote forces of gravity?
    The facts are there, the facts remain the keystone in which the stability of a theory must be tested.
    Joseph Nduriri, Paris, FRANCE

    By Blogger nduriri, at 10:35 AM, February 26, 2007  

  • If we put aside the hypothesis of space time curvature and basing our experiment on special relativity, we are designing an experimental tool to generate and detect gravity waves in LAB before the 2010. This experimental tool is based on the amplification of a gravity waves stretch emitter and the detector is being optimized to reduce thermo agitation noise of mobile charges. If all goes we, this will be a major break thru in gravity waves transmitters, this would double the number of telecommunication channels.
    Joseph Nduriri, FRANCE

    By Blogger nduriri, at 1:26 PM, March 29, 2007  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home